IF THERE IS A BIBLE FOR SINGLE GALS it should be Jennifer Bawden’s Get A Life, Then Get a Man because she unveils the 12 things women do that men hate. And so they run away, fast.

JENNIFER, A MODEL AND DRESS DESIGNER, tells it like it is, so listen up, you hopeful singles. Gossiping, gold-digging and nagging lead the list of toxic actions. Here are the major turnoffs.

BEING TOO NEEDY. Women who cling to a guy for dear life, call a dozen times a day and drive a man crazy show their insecurity.

NAGGING. Get off his back, as men are offended by repeated criticism, constant requests and pointing out errors in their judgment or actions.

GOLD-DIGGING. Is it him or his wallet? How much money a man spends or makes isn’t your business, and men feel used when asked by new dates to buy them gifts or pay the rent.

TALKING ABOUT EX-LOVERS OR EX-HUSBANDS. This shows that a women is not over the relationship. Bitter, hateful comments make men nervous. Who needs more drama or more anger from a date?

GOSSIPING AND CRITICIZING other women or men shows that a woman is petty and makes a man uncomfortable. He’s smart enough to know you would bad-mouth him, too.

JEALOUSY. It is self-defeating. Stay close to a man by giving him his freedom. If he’s trustworthy, give him a break. If he’s a cheating rat, move on.

KEEPING HIM WAITING. Be ready on time. Men appreciate promptness, which is just good manners. Making him wait while you primp is stupid and he’ll be in a bad humor for the evening.

BABBLING. Girl-speak is something men do not appreciate, and chattering about your hairdresser’s comments, office gossip and clothes is a turnoff. Find something interesting or funny to tell him.

CHRONIC WHINING. Hey, you weren’t in Haiti. Complaining about your petty problems, or even major ones, is deadly for a relationship. Men value a smiling face and happy disposition. They have their own problems and don’t burden you.

INSECURITY. Men are comfortable with women who are comfortable with themselves. Actress Kate Hudson has been cited as “too needy,” and so, is said to have lost several potential husbands. Cougars, as portrayed on TV by Courteney Cox, are valued by younger men because they don’t “cling” and often project an image of strength and experience, in a good, non-threatening way.

NOT SAYING THANK YOU. Men hate it when they go to the trouble of planning a date, picking a woman up and taking her out, and never getting a thank you. Men want to be appreciated. And they prefer women who are considerate and grateful, at least verbally.

OVERPACKING. Remember the man who insisted in his pre-nup, that his future wife never take more than two bags on any trip? Men hate to carry all that luggage and many a fight has erupted over heavy, bulky luggage.

IT ISN’T IN JENNIFER BAWDEN’S BOOK, but the husband we knew who had a pre-nup that included a luggage limit also insisted his wife never gain more than 10 pounds during their marriage. (Pregnancy not included.) ... Men have limits, and it behooves women to know them and respect them, if you want a happy husband and a solid marriage.

WHAT ARE THE 12 THINGS MEN DO THAT WOMEN HATE? That’s for another day, another column.

WE OFFERED THE DEVIL a lap dance to make Pat Robertson shut up. The Devil replied he was interested in the lap dance but nothing would get him to even touch evil Robertson.

JAY LENO AND DAVID LETTERMAN both said the exact same thing about Sarah Palin’s new commentator job at Fox News. “Now it will be fair and unbalanced.” We loved the jab that said now Palin will get time to read her book, Going Rogue.

EXCEPT FOR RUSH WINDBAG, the outpouring of support for Haiti victims has been inspiring.

WHY DID ALEC BALDWIN WIN best actor in a comedy television series for 30 Rock at the Golden Globes? He, and the show, just aren’t that funny. (And Tina Fey looked like she was wearing a lampshade.) All of the actors on The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother are sharper comics.

WHO IS THE BLONDE DYNAMO who has taken her act to L.A. where she met a multimillionaire sugar daddy within 24 hours? She’s texting pals that a wedding is in her future. Talk about dumb luck.

IKRAM GOLDMAN, owner of the salon that bears her name at 873 N. Rush St., has achieved stellar status, with the New Yorker magazine quoting her opinion of the fashion line Rodarte. It is the creation of sisters Laura and Kate Mulleavy who use assemblages of fabric and offer “wearable art-like” tunics and miniskirts. Their cheesecloth dresses have artfully arranged holes, and Ikram reported her clients love them. Ikram has become a household name since first lady Michelle Obama is known to be a customer who values Ikram’s advice and has an extensive wardrobe of her choices. Ikram, who worked for the late, great fashion guru Joan Weinstein, is married to Josh Goldman and they have twins to fuss over. All is not velvet and zippers. ... ALSO MENTIONED in the New Yorker article is local fashion blogger Tavi Gevinson, 13, who modeled in a Target showing of Rodarte.

GOOD NEWS ABOUT NANCY PRATHER, an attractive, savvy businesswoman from Indianapolis who came to Chicago 14 years ago and quickly conquered hearts. She returned to her roots and we lost track of her until we ran into Nancy one sunny day walking down a main street in Naples, Fla., 11 years ago. We received a Christmas card sharing the news that she’s now married to a lawyer, Gary Stage, and they have a son, Alexander. She says “hi” to all her old pals here.

A GIANT ON THE RESTAURANT SCENE, Jovan Trboyevic, 89, of Le Perroquet, Jovan and Les Nomades, is mourned. Town & Country magazine called him “positively, absolutely the greatest restaurateur in America” in 1982 and there was immediate and sincere agreement not only from gastronomical experts but from the thousands of fortunate, adoring diners who savored this perfectionist’s morsels. He enhanced and added a new dimension to French cuisine. Jovan graciously gave me his recipe for Sweetbreads Saute with Herbed Hollandaise and Salmon Mousse for our 1983 cookbook, Chicago’s Classiest Cuisine. He was a rare gentleman, had been a spy during World War II, and was wed to designer Maggie Abbot, who created the interiors of his fabled restaurants.

ROBERT KENNEDY JR. was here recently for the GreenTown Conference sponsored by the city of Chicago’s department of environment for urban planners, green architects and mayors from all over the country. Kennedy Jr., an environmentalist, was keynote speaker. Dara Stone Belic, a program coordinator for Recycle the Raindrops, showed Robert rain barrels decorated by artists, which will be on display at the Chicago Center for Green Technology, 445 N. Sacramento, through April 30.

IT SHOULD BE A GLAM PARTY — the Gene Siskel Film Center of the School of the Art Institute’s Academy Award blast on March 7 at the center, 164 N. State. Chairmen are Betsy Steinberg of the Chicago Film Office, and Emilio Salvi, executive at the Northern Trust Bank. They promise a special Oscar-night celebration live on two big screens. On the gilt-edged committee are: Bob Balaban, Chaz and Roger Ebert, Harold Ramis, Amanda Puck, Jonathan Bross, David Zapata, Mike McNamara, Jon Siskel, Kristin Anderson and Michelle Cucchiaro. Food, fun, champagne and an auction all for $100 a ticket. Call 312-846-2072 for more information.

OUR CONDOLENCES TO THE FAMILY OF KARYN ISRAEL, 56, a realtor at Keller Williams Realty, who died after a valiant, three-year battle with brain cancer. She was the daughter of Max Israel and the sister of well-known trader Marty Israel, who is married to Barbara Israel. When the family operated Meyerson Clothing, Karyn was “the princess of the store.”

COOK COUNTY TREASURER Maria Pappas hosted a Vasilopita celebration with emcee Chris Tomaras in her offices.

RUSH LIMBAUGH!, THE MUSICAL, about that windbag TV obscenity, opens Feb. 3 at Second City e.t.c. theater in Piper’s Alley. Bring vomit bags.

SSSHHHHHHHHHH! The secret 12th Night Olympiad, a 105th Twelfth Night Masque, is Feb. 6, reports the Secret Committee of 12. A Bernie Madoff is scorekeeper; a Dr. Conrad Murray medical tent will be available; and a Kanye West will be at the mike. This is a private party, by invite only, so don’t even think of crashing. Tracing its roots back to 1905, this irreverent masquerade ball expects guests in fantastic costumes, or black-tie, to join the grand march. Prizes will be awarded for best Olympic spirit and to groups for timely, provocative skits. Let good taste prevail to no avail, is their motto, but they warn, “No equestrians or mounted pedestrians.”

MARKING THE OPENING OF TAKING CHARGE OF YOU!, the Black Creativity gala will be Jan. 30 at the Museum of Science & Industry. This new exhibit stresses healthy living and disease prevention and will be on display through Feb. 28. Gala chairman Peggy Montes will be assisted by Gale Farley, Gladys Smith, Audrey Tuggle, Darlene Pierre-Louis and Lucille Russell.

ANIMAL MAGNETISM is what it is all about Feb. 5 at Galleria Marchetti when the PAWS Professional Board holds a buffet dinner and dancing party for people ($150 each) and pets ($25 each). North Community Bank sponsors the fourth annual event where honorary chairmen are that couple — Jillian Harris and Ed Swiderski. Co-chairing are Beth and Greg Morris, Jessica Dell’Omo and Ashley Pettit. On the committee: Ben Baron, Cindy Zahora, Morgann Cook, Sarah Dale, Bryan Johnson, Eric Stern, Jenna Plakut, Edward Liu, Jessica MacLean, Courtney Scott, Kara Severson, Alexis and Drew Fasseas, and Erin Harris. Proceeds go to the no-kill shelter PAWS.

WHO IS THE TERMINALLY RICH RUSSIAN who wants his $56 million deposit back after he decided not to buy the $556 million Belle époque mansion near Nice, France (which is owned by black widow Lily Safra, whose billionaire husband, banker Edmund Safra, perished in a blaze in his Monaco apartment)? He’s metals tycoon Mikhail Prokhorov, and we can tell you he’ll never see a cent of his deposit. Lily, now a close pal of Prince Charles (she gives lavishly to his foundation), has never even returned a penny of the millions her husband owed his cousins, wealthy art dealers, and brothers of our fashion guru Denise Amon. But we love the story of how Lily’s second husband died. It was ruled a suicide, even though he was shot twice in the heart.

TALKING ABOUT EXPENSIVE PROPERTY, friends are surprised that real estate executive Sherwin Jarol and wife Deborah have put their Le Grand Reve mansion, with 26 rooms, in Winnetka, on the market for $28 million. They built it as a labor of love and it was completed in 2008. The six-bedroom home has 2.04 acres of land and has been called one of the most awesome chateau-style homes ever built. The Chicago Tribune revealed that Walter and Susie Jacobson sold their vintage Lincoln Park home for $1.9 million.

CHICAGOANS OF THE YEAR, HONORED by Chicago Magazine at a Four Seasons luncheon, were: Grahm Balkany, Sara Foszcz, Sam Harris, Ronald and Annette Holt, and Ramsey Lewis.

BE MY VALENTINE FAMILY EVENT to benefit the Lynn Sage Cancer Research Foundation is a brunch with kids’ activities and a concert by Justin Roberts at the Four Seasons on Feb. 7. Chairmen are Ashley Netzky and Lara Shiffman, assisted by Terri Lind, Julie Lampert, Jill Supera, Lili Ann and Ashley Zisook, Charlene and Stephanie Lieber, Kara Morton, Ellen Soren, Jennifer Meyers and other dedicated members.

CONGRATS TO MIKE MURPHY, who has given his 56th pint of blood to help those in need. He’s a great guy.

STIFF UPPER LIP, EVERYONE! We know you will be devastated to learn that our Hugh Hefner has broken up with the twin bimbos, Kristina and Karissa Shannon, who were his latest bedroom playmates. It seems the girls, 20, wanted to do more with their lives (and charms) then waste them on Hef, 83. This leaves Hefner with Crystal Harris in the mansion. Cancel that new order for Viagra! He’s got enough on hand for just one companion.

WE TEARFULLY SAY GOODBYE to a brilliant newspaperman, our former colleague Alan J. Whitney, who died in his New York City apartment. A veteran of the New York Post, Alan was a standout at the old Lerner Newspapers before he conquered the Big Apple.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY SAID THEIR GOODBYES to a charming gent, Charles Gross, 60, a businessman and author of Tripping the Light Fantastic, an exciting crime drama. Chuck lived large and had an army of pals. He was married to Bonni Leavitt, and they enjoyed a romantic, “second time around” lavish lifestyle. Hundreds attended his funeral last Friday. Chuck was found dead in his offices with a gunshot wound.

A HOT TICKET IS TO THE CRYSTAL HEART BALL on Feb. 6 at the Field Museum where the Little Company of Mary Hospital will honor popular Christopher Kennedy, president of Merchandise Mart Properties, for his devotion to humanitarian causes. (He’s a Kennedy and service to others is a given.) For 20 years he has supported the Greater Food Depository and the Special Olympics plus a number of civic and charitable endeavors. Chris is the son of Robert and Ethel Kennedy and the eighth of their eleven children. He is married to Sheila Berner and lives in the suburbs with kids Katherine, Chris Jr., Sarah and Clare.

THE DEEP END is a new TV series that began Jan. 21 and will bring us our local talent Billy Zane as a law associate in an L.A. firm.

OUR CONDOLENCES to financial whiz Terry Savage on the death of her mother, Paulette Markoff, golf champ and interior designer, who died in Florida at 86.

OUR JOHN MALKOVICH, who can personify evil without even raising his eyebrow, will star in Red, an espionage thriller movie adapted from the comic book.

KENNETH GRIFFIN, BILLIONAIRE FOUNDER of the Citadel Investment Group, and his wife, Anne, who runs Aragon Global Management, have donated $16 million to the new Children’s Memorial Hospital. According to Melissa Harris, the couple have just purchased a $40 million 12th-floor residence at 820 Park Avenue, across from the Central Park Zoo. For another $11 million they bought four acres overlooking the ocean at the Four Seasons’ Hualalai resort on Hawaii’s big island. Wow!

PERKY JENNY Q. SCHMITZ, ex-Chicagoan, pens from her Vegas home with husband Larry List, “everyone comes to visit Vegas so we are always busy.”

SIXTH WIFE GETS DIVORCE PAPERS. CHICAGOAN NORMAN PERLMUTTER, who has homes in Aspen and California, shocked his sixth wife, interior designer Donna Livingston, with divorce papers. (With his record, why was she surprised?) Norman’s fourth wife was the lovely Kathy Finley, daughter of the late, colorful Charlie Finley who owned the Oakland Athletics baseball team. They have two sons. Norman doesn’t get the trophy for the most marriages. There is a sexy cougar among us who boasts eight weddings and eight divorces. She never poisoned any of them!

“TO SURVIVE THE DAY IS TRIUMPH ENOUGH for the walking wounded among the great many of us.” — Studs Terkel

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